Will you talk to me?
Out of all these people: Will you be the one to listen?
I’m glad my heart isn’t responding - I feel so numb.
So numb and empty
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
I’m just so sad right now.
I don’t know why I’m still up.
It’s been a while since I’ve written my thoughts down.
But right now I’m so desperate.
What I have is a case of pills. I could take it. I could see what happens. I can fcuk myself over.
What exactly is the problem? Is it that I just hate myself too much? That I just can’t stand myslef? That I would fcuk it over over and over again? Until there is nothing left but the decimated parts, until I’ve completely become bits and pieces that can’t be picked up - decimated to the ash that I feel like. Becoming a pile of black, dry nothingness that I see myself as.
I can’t even hate myself for all this self-pity.
i want it to end. I just wanted to be happy.
Maybe that’s the problem - I’ve wanted too much to be happy.
Maybe if i stopped wanting it so badly, just accept the fact, and care less.
Then maybe I’d be okay.
I wouldn’t be happy, but I’d be okay.
If I gave up once for the first time in my life.
No lofty dreams or hopes or aspirations.
Maybe if I just learned to be content with being miserable.
Eat, breathe, go to sleep, do it all over again.
Just not think, just keep at it, just keep moving, not holding on or holding back.
Just breathing, without feeling a need to exist, just exist because I already do.
I can’t take this. I’m breaking apart. I’m losing myself in ways I’ve never had.
i can’t.I can’tican’tican’t.
first film roll. +13 in comments (by the novella on a breezy shore//)
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